The older I get, the harder it is to be alive, when all my friends and family are dying.
I want to stay for all the ones who are left, I want to cling to them.
I am linked to these people from my heart, from birth, from childhood.
They have left this earth in different ways, and at different times of my life.
When I was young, it was more confusing.
My youth understood that the old or sick had to leave,
but the why and where were more fuzzy.
Youth meant that our lives were ahead of us forever, didn't it?
Trickery.
During the raging hormones of my teens, accidental death felt so unfair, and suicide so devastating and personal.
I started to see that actions had consequences, and the outcomes didn't care how old a person was.
When things got hard, parents acted like children, people were cruel, or mental illness took hold, I understood suicide better.
Adult life, and having children changed my perspectives. It showed me even more so, that life is precious, and fragile, and worth fighting for.
So much beauty left in the world, and fewer years to enjoy it in.
I would gladly die to save the life of my child, or anyone else I loved.
My forties are definitely more painful to me than those dark nights of teens and twenty-somethings.
How is THAT possible?
Hardship in every form, sent to me as life lessons.
On the verge of fifty, I have to say that I see all life has for me, and I want to connect to people.
I want to share what I know, and learn everything I can...because life is exciting.
I feel the need to help other people, animals, the planet, anything I can find!
Mostly I want to spread love and joy, because that's what matters the most,
and I seem to have a knack for it anyway.
Instead of being MOSTLY invested in not caring what other people think of me,
I am wholeheartedly, and fiercely living to be the best version of me.
It is my truth, my journey, my sense of wisdom.
If I have ever linked with you as a friend, mentor, lover, classmate, or....
if I have ever given you a heartfelt bit of advice, a letter, a card, or helped you in any way....
Please know that I meant every bit of what I said, or did.
I don't do these things lightly.
You matter to me.
You are never alone.
I feel it when you're gone.
Our paths will cross again.
We are connected forever.
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