I never wanted to be married.
I realize now, it’s because of shit I’ve hung onto from my father.
My first unavailable man.
A man who should’ve been there for his daughter.
Instead, I chased after him.
His love.
His attention.
His acknowledgement.
Funny, the thirteen GOOD years we had were the only loving years I was granted,
but in his last 23, I was chasing dad again.
AND THIS IS WHY......
I became a hunter for my trophy boyfriend or husband.
I loved the ones who ran, who hid, who told me I didn’t want them.
My good heart, and my confidence never wavered.
I won’t lie, I loved the challenge because I’m strong.
When he would finally succumb,
I didn’t realize I had received a diseased animal.
He would poison me slowly with portions of tainted meat.
When my man showed me signs of sickness,
I wanted to heal him,
sometimes I didn’t see his festering wounds at all.
Men often hide them in shame.
I don’t blame them for having unhealed wounds, mental illness, or issues. They had hopes and dreams too.
We are all injured animals in one way or another.
My forgiveness is vast. My goal is to shield myself from abuse. My eyes are more keen now,
my ears more pricked.
I will choose wisely,
and I choose myself first.
__________
P.S. I‘M DONE CHASING!
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