As I was scrolling along on Facebook, I saw a post that a friend had re-posted. It looked just like a meme in black and white, but then I read part of what the person wrote, and clicked "more". I was in for a night of heavy rumination to say the least! The meme read "Extreme independence is a trauma response".
I've always wanted to be independent, and only rely on myself. I didn't want to be a burden to anyone, and I loved the feeling of being able to take care of myself. These are good qualities generally. As a teenager though, I noticed that I had thick walls around my heart. I also noticed that I really hated it when a guy would "fall in love" with me, when they didn't even know anything about me to make that HUGE decision and declaration of love.. I was like, "based on what evidence, what do you know that you love, what are my dreams, what's my favorite color even"???? My parents were both absent in their own ways. My dad was ethereal (as I labeled it). Just floating silently around the house after work, or on the weekends, but never really showing affection, love, talking, or being interested in my life. My mom was overly involved in my life, controlling, angry, mean, and yet professing her huge amounts of love for me as her daughter. After my parents divorced when I was 12 years old, my mom was dating all the time. My sister and I didn't mind initially, because her being gone a lot was a relief. I got to know my dad better too, because of weekend visits. My sister met the love of her life, and was married about a year later. That was REALLY hard, because we were so inseparable, and close, and best friends. I knew why she had to go, but her empty room was like a knife to my heart, so I moved all my stuff into her room! Soon after that, my mom decided to get an apartment to better entertain her boyfriends, and not have to worry about a kid....ME, cramping her style. My dad then moved back into the house. These were great times. My dad and I got to know each other, and became really good friends, but nothing like a dad and daughter really. Best pals. I liked it that way though. My dad was dating too, but at this time, it was just one woman, and I got to go there on the weekends quite often. I met new friends there, and also got time at home to myself. I liked that too. But my parents were really messed up from their own abusive childhoods, and this was the best they were able to do. My sister and I felt like we had a better grip on life than our own parents!
I did feel the abandonment on some levels for sure. I understood more as I grew up. I seemed to have a pattern of keeping myself from feeling pain. The pain that hits my heart, or makes me feel ignored, or taken for granted, or even tossed aside as if I had no value, or like I was trash. Nobody likes those feelings. Then my behaviors were more extreme to avoid being hurt. I would avoid close contact with my emotions, and I'd avoid letting myself love or want too much. I could turn my love on and off with too much precision. I could bury my emotions for long periods of time and become numb. They'd always catch up on me though.I decided not to expect anything from anyone, because then I wouldn't be disappointed.
Recently, I had a revelation. Why do I seem to choose the wrong person for myself. Why do I live in this paradox of wanting and needing love, yet also not being able to deal with being smothered. I crave my own space, and time, and like being alone. I have times when I pour out love, and other times when I am protected and frightened to be real with anyone. Its definitely hard on me, and confusing.
On a deep level, I know I am worthy of good things, and love, and all things beautiful. I just don't know who to trust with all my gifts, and love, and vulnerability. I want to believe promises, but they are too often broken. I think sometimes I expect too much. We are all human of course, and we all make mistakes. I'm not saying I want perfection, but I certainly don't want a pattern of lies, hurt, destruction, inaction, and having someone who makes me feel that i'm almost always on shaky ground. In my twenties and thirties, I learned not to make sacrifices of myself to gain love, and not to ever feel like I have to earn or bargain for love. I need to further learn to not beg for love from people who are incapable of giving that yet. We are all works in progress. Let's grow together, and hold a space of safety for each other, be honest, and be willing to listen. Unconditional love is worthy work!
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