I'm rather addicted to life.
The highs and even the lows. Since I've been through a lot of them, I come to expect my own body's reaction or inaction to events. Anything out of the ordinary, compels me to do deep thinking.....ruminating about how it makes me feel, and why. I ask myself what I'm supposed to learn from it. When I hit an intense low, I admit that there are times I really just don't want to wake up the next day. There have been many times I've been on the precipice of ending the pain, or ending the numbness. The last nine years, staying on this planet for my son has been one of two reasons I stay. The other would be knowing how much pain I am in when a close friend dies. I could never purposely put people who know me in that much pain. I mean an accident is one thing, but suicide is altogether another. I add a third reason tonight, and that is why I am writing. I really love seeing what is next in my adventure of life. This world and the universe we live in is so complex. Unfathomable mysteries to discover, the wonderful and the horrible. As a culture, we talk about hot messes. Well, we are living in a HOT MESS! I am so full of love tonight. I am needing love from people, I am sending out intense love to the universe, you, nature, and all that is outside of me. I am feeling a cradling love for myself tonight. I'm humbly proud of the things I have overcome, and the things I‘ll still accomplish. I have big questions, problems, hopes, and plans. I have fears about how the outcome of my October 22nd's meeting will be. I'm sure there will be a new challenge. But, as I said, new adventures await me, and I welcome them with open arms. Without adversity, there is no growth or learning. The great times would not be as great without the hard times. I get through those hard times, because I want to taste the great times again SO BADLY! Its all so perfectly balanced if you look at things with a keen sense of wisdom. I try my best not to fly off the ground I stand on. When I am raging, when I am elated, when I am depressed, and when I cry so much I feel as if I am a heavy cloud, raining all over the earth.
Yes, this life is like a really great and heart squeezing book that I can't put down. A good mystery, with twists and turns, and plots that I think I have the answer too. But I have to keep reading to find out if I'm right. I think I'll stay for the ride, even at the expense of having heartbreak. Also for the huge rewards, dreams accomplished, love felt, and wonders to be seen.
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